Schoultz’s Lo-Fi Motel

As a young child I really dug my G.I. Joes.  Except for the first one.  The blonde haired and bearded one who talked when you pulled his dog-tag.  That seriously creeped me out as did all talking toys.  I couldn’t deal with them for some reason.  I also had this battery-operated robot that was about a little over a foot tall that lit-up, had machine guns that popped out of his chest, and had a head that popped up to reveal teeth and let out this hahahahahA!  No, I’m not making this up.  It was real.  And it scared the bejeezus out of me.  It was obviously something my Dad must have bought for me.  The only reason he must have kept it around was to pull it out of the closet when I needed to be kept in line.  What happened to it, I’m unsure of.  Lordy I wish I could find that damn thing on eBay.  At least I still have my all metal battery-powered Batmobile of the same era thanks to my Grandma.  But where was I?  Oh yes, G.I. Joe.  I really got into the Joes.  I was always more of an imagination type of kid rather than a rough and tumble sort.  I would concoct odd little mercenary adventures/outdoor camping excursions for the Action Team as they were marketed at the time.  I had the original newly mute Joe (my Dad cut the string out of him that made him talk.  I made believe the speaker holes in his chest was the result of some unfortunate ambush that he by way of miracle somehow survived), the legendary and most coveted ”kung-fu grip” Joe, and the under appreciated Atomic Man ( a Six Million Dollar Man rip-off from the Joe universe) and Bulletman (a weird-ass “superhero” with a shiny helmet and bright red tights.  How he fell in with the Joes remains a mystery.  The don’t ask, don’t tell policy, obviously).  Then the 1980’s came about, and action figures took a turn towards the downward spiral in my opinion.  The Joes got way smaller and started to resemble the X-Men more than a crack military unit.  Something called He-Man (making up for some insecurity, mister?) and the Masters of the Universe cropped up.  Then there was Thundercats.  Strangest of the strange.  Half-human warrior, half feline.  They spent eight hours of the day fighting injustice and the other sixteen sleeping.  And long before the big dumb movies were made to showcase Megan Fox, the sex kitty flava of the month, Transformers was a weird action figure toy and even weirder afternoon cartoon.  The ’80’s were off the map as far as weird.  And here is a collection of toy commercials that back back up the claim.  As always, endure…

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