Schoultz’s Lo-Fi Motel

Raspberries and chocolate. Venison steaks wrapped in bacon.  Turkey and Cranberries.  Bratwurst and sauerkraut.  The secret to good eating and culinary creation is the art of combining two great tastes that go together like bad movies and Joel Schumacher.

I hated high school with a passion at the time I reserved only for self-pleasurement, but the one thing that got me through many a bleak, pre-home room morn with sanity intact, besides AC/DC cassettes, was pulling up to the then Amoco mini-mart in Nekoosa, Wi circa 1986, and purchasing a mill town white-trash breakfast of Mountain Dew and Doritos.  At the advanced age of 41, I now limit my junk-food diet down to damn near nil, but friends and neighbors, let me tell you that no one junk-food snack and no single soft drink combo compares to the Dew and the Doritos.  And I’m not talking all these new hip, new flavors Doritos is trying to push.  I’m a purist, and it is nacho cheese with the nuclear orange-colored cheese dust that coats your hands that is the flavor that matches the Dew.  Let us not mess with taste bud asthetics here, people.  Some days when I’m still feeling immortal and my weight at age 17, I sneak a small bag and a can from a vending machine and relive a simple pleasure from a hideous time.

Here are some vintage commercials.  This one makes me wish they’d do away with the current superhero breast-plate style logo and go retro.  Hillbillies and all.  Hillbillies are eternally cooler than a bunch of dork-wads trying to be extreme.  Besides, the Surge youths of the ’90’s could take on today’s extreme-living Dew enthusiasts and spank them like unruly 19th century schoolchildren.

Projectile corks, banjo music and scantly-clad, sexually aggresive moutain gals.  Now that’s extreme!  Here’s more…

Doritos also doubled as a weapon in the early 1980’s.  Their power has diminished throughout the years, sadly.  There was a point in time where I had my entire hometown under seige for fear of my change of weather whims and a nasty-ass corn chip beat down.  Lordy, I miss yesterday (cue up Boys II Men).

Trackback URI | Comments RSS